Dear Ms. Anthony,
I personally want to thank you for capturing so much media attention in the past several months. Your pain has been my gain, so to speak. Since I became governor of this great state, the liberal news media has been picking me apart. About the only Floridians who still support me are ones like your trial jurors. You know, people who hear no evil, see no evil. Thank God for people who don’t read or watch the news; my success as governor depends on them.
Like you, I don’t really care whether people like me, because the world is full of do-do brains. But I do care about avoiding people who wave hand-lettered placards and hurl insults at me. That’s why I retreat to The Villages, where people pretty much mind their own business. You might like escaping there yourself, young lady. The Polk County sheriff is famous for running sex stings; he could use you to entrap philandering grandfathers.
The only favorable press I garnered in the past month concerned Sunrail. What a coup that was. First I threatened to take something away to show Central Florida who was boss. Did that ever get their attention. Then I “gave back” what they thought was theirs already, and suddenly I’m a hero. You should have seen the Orlando Sentinel fawning over me—I’ll quote them when I run again.
My hero stature won’t last long, though. Because those commies in the media want to get me, just as surely as little Caylee rotted away in your trunk. That’s really why I’m writing. For someone in my position, no news is good news, and for me, the media circus surrounding your trial was a godsend. Thank you Casey; thank you George and Cindy; thank you Jose; thank you Geraldo and Nancy Grace.
Here are some stories about me that were pushed to the backburner:
First and foremost, the sale of my company, Solantic. Some of the basic facts were reported but little investigative journalism occurred. When I was elected governor, I gave “complete control” of the company to my wife, a homemaker and community volunteer. Call it my Zanny strategy (haha). Then the Democrats started hollering about me profiting, through Solantic, for things I did as governor. They said that requiring drug tests for welfare recipients and state employees, and making Medicaid a managed-care system, created business for Solantic.
So what did I do? I sold the company, giving my critics what they wanted. Yep, sold the company and monetized the asset value that my policies as governor had created. All finalized last week, while the news media was busy braiding a noose around your neck.
Second, the exodus of several members of my personal staff. First my chief of staff left to become head of the Department of Veterans Affairs. And now my communications chief and my main policy advisor are leaving my ship, along with three lower-ranking staffers. They signed with me when I was a newbie with deep pockets and the potential for GOP stardom, perhaps a VP choice, but jumped ship after we ran aground during the legislative session. Is there no loyalty in Tallahassee?
I was worried when your trial ended—worried the news media would refocus on me—but today’s news gives me hope. I see that you’re required to stay in Orange County, get a job, and meet with a probation officer at prescribed times that reporters will know. Meaning that you and your dysfunctional family will become a continuing reality show—deflecting attention from me, my administration, and my GOP cohorts in the state legislature. Thank God for Ray Kronk; his pee in the woods was my salvation.